Finding voice in chaos

A reflection on hearing my own voice when everything feels loud. Finding small steady truths to anchor me.

An intimate diary entry to set the scene.

Broken fragments, shattered sounds, piercing -

unrecognisable.

Staring blankly into the abyss...

dark, chilling white walls cornering in.

Chest tight,

breath short.

Ping, tick tock... ping... buzz buzz

Minutes lost, seconds found.

"Can I have another minute of you?"

Give me more. I need more.

Ping, tick tock...ping... buzz buzz

White noise, piercing through, deep breaths.

Close your eyes, center yourself, now.

Ping, tick tock... ping... buzz buzz

Knock knock, get up!

It's about to start again.

This freewriting and intimate diary entry brings me back to one of the moments where I had a full-blown panic attack (not that I knew at the time).

Life can sometimes feel overwhelming, with so many things coming at you. I have always admired working mums as I have met many successful women who not only hold down their careers but also balance with the competing needs of their family and kids.

I heard this statistic at a conference once, which highlighted how many thoughts we have in a day, and it blew my mind. According to the Laboratory of Neuro Imaging at the University of Southern California, the average brain generates 48.6 thoughts per minute—that is about 70,000 thoughts per day.

This got me thinking about the relationship between thoughts and our own internal voice, the one that processes thoughts, stimulus and then reacts outwardly. There must be all types of variables that would impact how we process things, whether we are in the right state of mind, whether we have slept well, whether we are happy or satisfied in the many aspects of our lives, whether we have been doom scrolling the night before, the list could go on.

I’ve thought about the times when there were multiple competing voices, and some of the tools I used to try and prioritise which voice I listened to. There are times in my life where I feel like I have chosen selective ignorance or using the art of distraction to be able to push through challenges, solve problems and drive outcomes. If I think about the reason why I chose those strategies, it will have to purely come down to what I was prioritising. Being someone who values achievement, sometimes it has come at a cost of listening to my other voices.

Finding balance in life has always been somewhat a continuous process that I do not think is easily mastered. A therapist taught me some great techniques that have helped me during the times that I have felt overwhelmed, and I would like to share them with you, in case they are helpful.

Here are some of the things that I have utilised:

• Setting boundaries and protecting my personal space

• Deep breathing and a daily meditation practice

• Using my five senses to centre myself

• Intentional calendar / time management

• Journalling / self-reflection practice

• Prioritising movement and fun

There was also a technique she taught me one day, which I thought was a bit silly. She instructed me through deep breathing, to wrap my arms around myself and give myself a hug. It felt so odd, but at the same time I felt a profound sense of calm. The next morning, during my daily morning meditation practice, I decided to conduct the exercise again, this time I was in the comfort of my own space with no one watching me.

This is when I realised the power of a hug, even if it was me hugging myself. I started to listen a bit more intimately and felt connected to a part of myself that was beyond fatigued and burnt out, she told me that she needed help. I squeezed a bit tighter and spoke to her for the first time in a very long time. I won’t reveal the full conversation, but let’s just say that it was a profound experience to remove all the other noisy voices, and hone in on this one. Beneath all of the other voices that I had prioritised, I then realised that I had forgotten an important one.

The voice that is deep within, sometimes hidden from our outwardly projections. The voice that is hidden from others, as we are performing our multiple roles, fulfilling multiple outcomes for multiple people.

Over the course of the next couple of months, that small little voice, got louder and louder. Like a tiny flickering flame, growing into a full-blown bush fire. I have spoken to this deep inner voice on multiple occasions and promised her that we are going to prioritise her and all that she has to say and do.

It is a small steady truth that is anchoring me on this journey.

If you have any thoughts or insights to share on how you have navigated finding your voice amidst chaos and what anchors you, I’d love to hear it in the comments section below.

Thanks for reading.